One year ago today

One year ago today, I lost my father after a brief and unexpected battle with cancer.  It’s been a difficult year, but I try to stay positive by thinking about how blessed I was to have had him in my life and how lucky I am to be surrounded and supported by wonderful and amazing family and friends.    

The following is an e-mail from the past, composed 11 months and 1 day ago, on December 08, 2011. It is being delivered from the past through FutureMe.org:

Dear FutureMe,

In three days, it will be one month since Baba passed away, and when you get this email, one year will have passed. I don't know if the feeling of grief will be any different. Right now, it's still hard to believe that Baba is gone and that I'll never be able to hold and hug him, or see him at his computer or reading on the couch. I'll miss the thick oily scent of his hair, and his low voice providing comments and advice on any range of topics. I'll miss how much he loved talking about his purchases, and learning more about them through books he ordered online.

I hope you never forget that last night I dreamt of Baba. I got into the passenger side of Er Jiu's old white van, and Baba was in the driver's seat, wearing his thick white jacket. I somehow knew he had come to see me in the dream, so I leaned over and held him tight, trying to capture the feel and smell of holding him again. He drove down Madre, and even though we were in the right side of the street, there was oncoming traffic in our lane. I started getting scared and asked Baba to turn into the parking lot of the 76 station. He assured me that it was OK, but I was still getting scared so he turned into the parking lot of the Kaiser on Foothill. We got out of the car and started walking into the building. I held him close and started crying. I was trying to tell him that I'm sorry I didn't talk him more when he was alive, and that I feel like I didn't talk enough. Because I was crying so much, my words were all jumbled and he laughed and repeated "Suff?" when I tried to say that I didn't "Sou (talk) enough." I said that it was because I always wanted to be independent but I wished that I spent more time at home and talking with him. He told me not to feel bad. We continued walking with my holding his arm, when Jack arrived out of nowhere. Jack called me name to ask me something, and I turned to him to say I would talk to him later. Baba had continued walking ahead, and looked back at me and smiled before turning a corner. I raced to the corner and he was gone. I kept looking for a while, but none of the people there were him. When I woke up, I was crying a lot thinking about it, but so glad to be able to see Baba one more time.

Nowadays, what I think of a lot is Baba's voice telling me, "I love you too" from the hospital bed, from when I told him how much I loved him and what great parents him and Mama were. I told him that my only fear in life was not being as good of a parent as they were, and he told me, "You have to have the strength to do what's right. Look at me and Mama, we were never scared." But I always go back to when he said, "I love you too."

I know he was always with us up to the end, because every night I would tell him, "Good night, Baba, I love you," and kiss his forehead, and he would always nod his head in recognition. Another image that sticks in my head is the last time he left the house. He was at home for about three hours before the Rose Hills people came. We said our final thank you and good bye, and then I remember them carrying him out of the front door in the stretcher while we watched.

I hope the wedding planning is going well. I love Lauren so much and can't wait to get married. Although it was surrounded by so much sadness, please don't ever forget how happy Baba looked when I came home to show him Lauren and I were engaged. He had been sleeping in the morning when I left, and did not open his eyes when I told him I was going to propose that day to Lauren. However, when I came home with her, his eyes were open and he had a big smile on his face while he was looking at me and Lauren. Mama said that he hadn't opened his eyes all day, but he was awake for us. by that time he was too tired to say anything, but May May had bought a cake and we all ate it around him in the family room to celebrate.

I hope we are all doing well, and that we have begun to accept Baba's departure. I know that he will always be with us in spirit, and will always be watching over us for the rest of our lives. I miss him so much and know that I always will, but I hope the hurt someday gets better. We did our best to give him the best possible service we could, and I hope he was happy with it. On the day of the burial, I placed a bird of paradise on his vault, for the ones we have by our driveway. And all the time, I think of Baba, and just want him to know I love him so much and am so thankful to have had him. Mama is doing OK, but I know it will just take time to heal.

Popo doesn't have much time left, but I hope she passes peacefully. I hope Matthew and Kaitlyn continue to be cute, and that they grow up learning how much Baba adored them. The picture in my mind will always be of one time where they were iChatting, and Baba kept telling the kids, "Gong Gong loves you, Gong Gong loves you!" Please do your best to let them know how much he loved them.

Anyways, I'll set this so that I'll receive it on the first, second, fifth and tenth anniversary of Baba's death, so that it will help me remember him.

As before, cherish your loved ones and take advantage of your time. Keep your body in good health and work hard at everything you do.



Anonymous said...

The antients used Christinaity to initiate the "Beginnning of The End". Along the way they used it to initiate other tools which they will use to further mankind into decay and towards the Apoocalypse:::USA, "democracy", capitalism/corporations.
Of the tools they have used, religious, political, economic, social is by far the most damaging and seems reserved for those who have experienced each tactic:::
The god's social tool promoted moral decay, whether sexual, behavioral, professional, etc. It created an enviornment where indecency is the norm.

The dogs are dead.
And they're still incurring evil from their prior life(ves).
Junior Seau is a good example::The real, a 20-something in her next life, making progress, so the gods allow her clone host fake to committ suicide, allowing her off the hook incurring evil in her prior life. AND close the restaurant, her legacy in capitalism.
Al Davis should be so lucky.
The antient's leaders, politicians, celebrities, corporate executives, scientists/professionals are clone host fakes, fresh out of high school who woudln't know their ass from a hole in the ground. Without the gods doing their jobs THROUGH THEM they'd only be good for playing with themselves.

There was a very real perception that bi-racial was much worse for the white than it was for the person of color. The liberal culture, which was designed and promoted with the god's tools to achieve their Apocalyptic goals, screamed racism when there was a very reasonable explanation for this reality::::
In this white punishment known as the United States the person of color has already adopted the disfavors/temptations intended for another race. But by associating/mating with a person of color the white is newly adopting the disfavors of another culture.
And this is the reason why people of color are not welcome in the United States. The gods control everything:::The perception they want to create, the thoughts they want you to have.
People of color can't recover from absorbing the temptations from two cultures. And why they become more and more like so many blacks in America:::Veterans at absorbing the temptations of two cultures.
To further illustrate this is why California's educational system/funding was ranked #1 when California was white:::Education being the basis of the affluent economic system. Now even public higher education has become unaffordable.

The gods behave monsterously in the course of managing Planet Earth, matching our decay, but they demand people be good if you are to have a chance to ascend as a child in a future life.
Not only is doing the right things important (praying, attoning for your sins, thinking the right way:::accepting humility, modesty, vulnerability), so is avoiding the wrong things important as well:::"Go and sin no more".
You NEED active parents who share wisdom to have a real chance to ascend into heaven in a future life, and you MUST be a good parent as well to have that opportunity in your next life.

Gangnam Style most watched video on YouTube, topping 808 million views.
Gods push ridicule watching the video. Often the gods will speak through me, educating the telepathic audience on their attitudes towards certain issues.
The Koreans have no business participating in this wickedness of popular culture. A white punishment, evident by black exclusion for so many decades, this represents a step down into the abyss for the Koreans.
South Korea a Victim of the United States dating back to the 1950s, remember I say North Korea will be the final element of favor on Planet Earth. Whichever tactic the gods use to cause it's fall, Christianity, democracy through diplomacy, USA violence or capitalism/corporations, once North Korea succumbs to the temptations of Western Civilization the gods will have their green light to pull the plug and initiate the Apocalypse.

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Anonymous said...

Story about global warming again on the news.
The gods have the freedom to rapidly accelerate global warming because of unregulated Chinese industrialization. And they are using it.
Whereas US industrial regulation combined with automotive smog devices had contained emmissions, the shameful emmissions at the hand of the Italians which allocated the financing of chinese growth will ultimately kill our planet
The gods must abjectly hate the Italians:::They ruined our cultures, eliminating Old Worlds around the globe, they destroyed our societies and now they will be used to ruin the planet.
Intelligent design:::Everything the gods do has purpose. There was purpose in the Italian boot, the Scandanavian penis, the sheep of Europe and the SFBA Beast. Chinese/Asian slanted eyes is yet another. Designed to make them/some look evil, they are a warning to other races. What is occurring with enviornmental degredation is living proof and may be the reason why they have this appearance.
Never forget the shameful experience we each had in 2008 when the Chinese desperately tried to clean up the envionment in Beijing.

Recall the $5 trillion Republican scam where W set up the evil Democrats to sign the credit card receipt.
Expect some portion of the $5 trillion stolen from the United States creatively went to the Catholic Church, positioned to bitterly complain they lost their affluent white parishoners for poor Latinos and the US is all their doing anyways.
I always suspected there has been a skim on the US General Fund (1/3) all along. And the gods are using these clone host fakes to kill Planet Earth::::The puppeteer pulling the strings, ironically.

Jesus is a false god.
There is no Satan. The world around us is all the god's doing:::You have to be tested with temptation.
Christianity is a test.
Muslim misery? The gods claim they are trying to "help you". The gods control everything, choreograph all that we see, including Isreal's relationship with Palestine, an "obligation" for their money-grubbing acceptance of the Evil Empire's billions. They also control the Italians, victims of the Moorish invasion/rape of their women, positioned in charge of this false reality through Christianity.
The gods created all this to position this reality you experience today.
"Earning" is temptation. It is a lie leading people into Damnation. Any hope of the Muslim world regaining the power they once had is long since over and it will never, ever return. Their acts 0f terrorism are only hurting them in the eyes of the gods.
The gods claim they are trying to "help you", but they also stoked your pride with your regional superpower status of centuries ago, rendering their efforts today merely destructive, a very bad sign. This means the gods have major problems with your people.
Never forget:::The gods work in mysterious ways. A mortal trying to understand may envoke their wrath. You shouldn't need to.

I believe the gods relocated the Jews to another planet before the Holocaust began to give them additional time before Earth fell into the social decay Christianity and the United States is responsible for. I suspect this favor included some/many of the Native America peoples as well.
Unfortunately for Muslims you didn't have the favor necessary to be allowed such generosity. I believe it is due to your mysogyny, your belief women are inferior to the men. This does not include veiling, which is a positive for the people and helps maintain decency within your society.
Orthodoxy is always the best course of action because, as I have repeated, old is mostly good and a little evil, while new is mostly evil and a little good. This applies to Islam as well.

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